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| Should he have been the Paul Heyman Guy? Photo Credit: WWE.com |
First up, @rancho_king33 asks a true or false question: Antonio Cesaro should have been the next Paul Heyman guy.
False. Cesaro is meant for bigger and better things as a good guy as signaled by his recent rash of Giant Swingings. That kind of strength can't stay rudo forever, and for him to work as a heel, he'd have to restrain himself. That all being said, Curtis Axel isn't really that bad a choice as the Paul Heyman guy, but he certainly wasn't the next star waiting to be loosed from the gates. The booking hasn't done him many favors; putting him out there to be lost in the swelling tide of Triple H's awful overacting was the first mistake. However, while I think he's an above average hand with some raw potential in terms of charisma, I'm not sure he's the guy you put with Heyman, a main event manager, to jump start his clientele.
In honor of Pokemon X and Y coming out this past weekend, @BrianPickett asks which WWE wrestler is the most like Wobbuffet?
Wobbuffet is a purely defensive/annoyance Pokemon. It has disproportionately high hit points compared to the rest of its statistics, only learns a possible seven moves (one of which, Splash, does no damage at all), and is generally considered one of the silliest Pocket Monsters in existence. While not a perfect analogue, Wobbuffet sure sounds a lot like Santino Marella to me, doesn't it?
@stevelou asks how Goldust wrestles in full vinyl without going full Martin Lawrence.
First off, how do we know that when he unzips backstage after wrestling that a flood of sweat doesn't come charging out onto the floor? Second, he's been doing the Goldust thing for nearly 20 years now, so he's probably found out a formula, which I assume involves an IV drip from a tanker full of water and Gatorade for eight hours before his match. The sprightliness he shows in the ring seems counterintuitive from being bogged down by all that fluid, but not only is he bound to sweat it all out by the end of the match, I'm sure it makes him do the pee-pee dance the entire match. You know, that phrase "have to piss like a racehorse" has basis in some truth, right?
@NielJacoby asks my thoughts on the new WWE comic book where John Cena is wrongly framed and CM Punk and Undertaker are buddy cops.
I have not heard of this mythical comic book until now, but both those stories sound like fresh settings for all three of those characters. The former would be a great story to try with any wrestler, but with Cena, it could be the thing that freshens him up for the older/"Cena sucks!" crowd while keeping him a goody-goody for the kiddie/"Let's go Cena!" folks. The latter gives me flashbacks to all the times two guys teamed together and didn't really like each other all that much. I'm sure you could do Lethal Weapon with two wrestlers and not have it delve into antagonism like with Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels and with a shit-ton of other teams that followed. And honestly, Punk and Undertaker would be two of the best guys to try that story with in the WWE narrative.
But outside of my corny wishes, yeah, that book actually sounds like something I might read if I didn't have a billion other things I want to do.
@NDEddieMac asks two questions this week. First, is it weird that the main WWE guy right now is Big Show and that the title is only ancillary to his story?
Within traditional wrestling narrative, yes, Show's precedence over Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton is strange right now, if only because Show is far from the top guy on the show in terms of star power. In the past, John Cena has trumped the Champion, which actually was the basis for a CM Punk heel turn and thus a roundabout way of mollifying the WWE Championship. Whether WWE was effective at doing so remains a topic of discussion.
However, I feel like Show's story (and arguably the Rhodes Boys' story) taking precedence over Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton is a triumph of multilayered angling within a major company. The days of Cena or Hulk Hogan or Bruno Sammartino holding monolithic sway over the title scene were profitable, but were they artistically fulfilling? Just because one way worked, would that automatically mean a different means of running the show won't? I tend to think that the more options you have, the wider the palette can be for creating shows that a grand swath of people might want to watch.
Show's story has been well done, and that fact has not hurt the narrative going forward. If anything, I would worry about the fact that Bryan/Orton's "long term storytelling" being the standard practice of "throw a shitload of matches against the wall" booking should worry you more than it having to share stage with other narratives.
Second, is Renee Young adorable or the ADORABLEST?
The latter. Most definitely the latter.
Renee Young is not porn star hot or supermodel hot, but she's adorable not just because of looks, but because she's a regular human being, just like you and me. She gets scared when big angry men stare her down. She blushes when Sami Zayn flirts with her in interviews. She gives off an aura, much like Kaitlyn and AJ Lee do, but unlike those two wrestlers, she's immune from awful booking because her job is only to show up and interview folks.
Even more awesome, she is able to come off as what she really is - a bona fide wrestling fan. Even if she was a dude, I would admire the shit out of her (him?). She's living the dream. I hope they don't ruin it for her.
The fine folks at the What A Maneuver Podcast ask what the worst part about Glacier was.
Real talk: Glacier could have been so much more awesome than he was. He ripped off Mortal Kombat, which if any game was going to be fodder for a late-'90s wrestling company to plagiarize, it would be fucking MK. He had slick martial arts moves, and his entrance was bad-ass. Why didn't he click? I can't recall whether he was a good in-ring guy or not (when I last saw him, he was in Chikara and wasn't that bad, actually), but man, they stuck him with those hokey, cartoon feuds that dragged him down. How long did he spend anchored to Wrath and Mortis? The worst part was that WCW at the time had the nWo, and they were still trying to make the cartoonish shit that sucker-blasted early '90s WWF from an artistic standpoint happen.
Their second question, what is the best wrestling video game ever?
I would love to sit here and give a non-cliched answer, but the answer is No Mercy. Disclaimer: I've never played any Fire Pro or Virtual Pro Wrestling game.
@el_spriggs gets in on the Pokemania by asking which game I'll end up getting, X or Y.
I would rather not be flippant, but does a difference exist between the two games? Has there ever been any major disparities between any games at generational launch? I guess I'll pay attention to game exclusive Pokemon, and if any potential team members are exclusive to one game over the other, I'll get that one.
Just for posterity, my team will look something like this when I do get my hands on either game, which I estimate will be in December at some point:
Chesnaught or Delphox
Venusaur or Charizard - I always go with the Grass-starter, but with the news that you get to have one of the Gen 1 starters later on in the actual RPG portion, my plans get thrown awry. Do I stick with the current generational starter, Chespin and roll with Charmander as the secondary one, or do I take Fennekin and grab my FAVORITE Pokemon family ever in the Bulbasaur line? So. Many. Decisions.
Gyarados - Side note: I was legit bummed when I found out I couldn't fish for Magikarp in Black/White until I beat the initial RPG quest. DON'T THOSE FUCKERS KNOW I ROLL WITH GYARADOS? GAWD.
Crobat - You shoo Zubats away in caves. I raise them into quick, annoying pests. Me > you.
Aegislash - A Ghost/Steel type? DEFENSIVE NIRVANA!
Haxorus/Dragonite/Salamence/Hydreigon/Noivern - Dragons are cool. Shut up.
@robot_hammer ruminates over whether a wrestler based on the movie Drunken Master could ever work.
Sure one can exist and flourish. Ever see Sandman? I keed, I keed.
I'm not sure that gimmick works in WWE because of the PG rating on RAW. They skirt the edges on a lot of things, but alcohol use seems to be off the table. However, I think it could work in the indies or in a theoretically good version of TNA where they wouldn't be tempted to use Scott Hall as the Drunken Master.
@sallen_87 poses the list request for the top five scary movie villains ever.
5. Norman Bates - You're already flustered when you have to stay at a motel. Having to worry about the guy running it killing you is just a cherry pit on the shit sundae.
4. Sauron - He's a medieval dictator and the NSA all rolled up into one. Natural choice.
3. Freddy Krueger - Sleep's where I'm supposed to be a Viking, not to be killed by a pedophile.
2. Velociraptors - Prehistoric killing machines are extinct for a reason. AND THEY CAN OPEN DOORS TOO FUCK.
1. Outer Space and Bad Luck - I don't need to have seen Gravity to know that suffering a series of unfortunate events while on a spacewalk is the scariest shit imaginable.
@OkoriWadsworth has two questions. First, what was the best e-fed angle I've ever been a part of?
Twelve years ago... goddammit, twelve? Anyway, in a promotion called MBE, TWB writer Bill Dempsey was handling a wrestler named Freakfish in the main event of the biggest event of the year against The Spoiler, handled by award winning playwright Dan West for the title. Freakfish, the Champion, defended the title successfully, thanks to the help of Mr. Amazing! and White Noise forming a corporate stable of power. Mr. A! was revealed as owner. The big twist was that Mr. A! and White Noise were both revealed also to be handled by Bill, which at the time was a well-kept secret. Sure, most of the intrigue was in out-of-character subterfuge, but I thought the angle was still so well-done both in and out.
Second, which superhero would make the best wrestler?
Deadpool. He's got the quickest wit of any superhero, so he'll rake on promos. He's got healing factor on both the brain and the body, so he can take any crazy bump without suffering CTE or other broken body parts for too long a time. He's trained in the martial arts, so he'd be crazy good at integrating new wrinkles into traditional pro graps. Just as long as he leaves his swords at home, everyone at the arena would be safe.
Rich Thomas of the Sad Salvation Podcast asks how morally correct can a football fan be when the mother organizations (NFL, NCAA) are so corrupt?
I wonder how this moral quandary with football is any different from any other sporting institution. Hell, pro wrestling promoters, by and large, aren't nice people either. In fact, most of life is ruined by the rich scumbags in charge. Apple makes its products in sweatshops in East Asia. Nike outsources its work to poverty stricken areas in Indonesia. Very rare is the mass-producing corporation that is a bastion of moral superiority. My guess is that some of that money is trickling down to the players in the NFL. In college? I don't know. Maybe we're all doomed to be terrible people.
Yasiel Puig or Brian Wilson? Those are the two choices @mikepankowski has given as to who would be the better convert into pro wrestling from baseball.
Puig is bombastic and flashy, while Wilson is weird. Each of their charisma would translate into pro wrestling, but only Puig has the athletic ability to go in the ring. Sure, Wilson is a baseball player and thus is a better athlete than most people at home, but he's also had reconstructive surgery on his arm. But I also think Wilson might have a better chance at breaking out because he's so goddamn weird. I don't know, give me the Beard.
@Oh_No_Romo wants to know who the best Freebird in the ring was.
Terry Gordy is my pick. Maybe I'm cheating and going by his work after the Freebirds in Japan, but yeah, that dude was a straight up hoss.
@TheEnforcer4 asks who among us has not had the odd banana in his/her pants.
One who hasn't lived, verily.
@ray_fuck asks who the real TH is?
May I have your attention please
MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE
Will the real TH please stand up?
I repeat, will the real TH please stand up?
We're gonna have a real problem here...
Y'all act like you never seen a wrestle blogger at all
Jaws to the floor like Sting, when Shockmaster bust through the wall
And tried gettin' up like he wasn't bound for the WrestleCrap crawl
With Vinny Mac actin' like that shit represent WCW for y'all
It's the return of the "Oh wait no way, he's kiddin'
He didn't just post another one of them GraphJams again did he"
And PizzaBodySlam said, NOTHING, you idiots
PizzaBodySlam dead, he got lost in the Canadian tundra
Feminist bloggers love TH
"Chigga chigga chigga TH, I'm sick of him
Look at him, looking for sexism in the you-know-where
Writing about you-know-what
Avoiding he-who-shall-not-be-named." "Yeah, but he's so funny though"
Yeah, I probably got a few screws up in my head loose
But no worse than Vince Russo writin' '98 WWF on shrooms
Sometimes I just wanna get on YouTube and let loose
But I can't, but it's okay for Zack Ryder to beat a dead moose-ski
"Woo woo woo, take care, spike your hair."
And if I'm lucky, you might end up like David Flair
But not Reid, fuck I'm not that cold, TH for the kids
And just a shout out, buncha ROH fans don't know what the clitoris is
Of course they don't know what intercourse is
Chantin' "slut" at Veda Scott in the retrograde
They all wear fedoras and post to r/MensRights, don't they?
We ain't nothin' like you dorks, some of us eat porks
Who cut open fat sandwiches, not cantaloupes
But if you can slut shame Seleziya like antelopes
Then there ain't no reason why you dicks all can't cope
But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote
All my Chikara fans wave your Icarus t-shirts and sing the chorus as it goes
Well I'm the real TH, yes I'm the real TH
All you other THes are just imitating
So won't the real TH please stand up, please stand up, please stand up
/drops mic
The Wrestling Blog site contributor Trey Irby wants me to imagine a dystopian future where Curtis Axel is WWE Champion.
Dateline, 2015. John Cena has been locked up in containment for his alleged role in siphoning Super Soldier Serum. CM Punk has retired to a life of replying to trolls on Twitter. Daniel Bryan has been swept away to a Vegan compound by militants who are pissed that he has eaten bacon and broken his Vegan powers. Everyone else of note died in a plane crash to the point where the only ones left in WWE are the rehired Eli Cottonwood, Kofi Kingston, Zack Ryder, and their Champion, Curtis Axel. The world is a ruined hellscape. We're all fucked.
@LanceGarrison asks whether I'll be trying to match the Wrestling Culture Podcast's 50 best wrestlers with a list of my own.
My problem with creating my own top 50 list is that I didn't really start paying attention to in-ring stuff as intently as the guys at Wrestling Culture (and they are the most knowledgable people I know in terms of wrestling knowledge) in 2008, and I've concentrated my focus on the present rather than the past. However, I will be compiling my top 50, albeit in the TWB Era. And yes, I will be posting it on the blog when I finally put it together.
@fairbeezy asks if Alex Riley is the worst commentator in wrestling history.
No, if only because Mike Adamle exists. And Larry Zbyszko. And TNA-era Tazz. And Kevin Kelly. Riley is crushingly mediocre, don't get me wrong. He's nowhere near the level of what the NXT booth could be, like, I don't know, William Regal, Renee Young, and Faceless Dude #972. But he's nowhere near the worst either.
Finally, Best Coast Bias-er Butch Rosser asks what result in the NXT Championship Match between Bo Dallas and Sami Zayn will be most compelling.
My inner fanboy wants so much for Zayn to finish Dallas off with the BRAINBUSTAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!, but I know that we have a better chance of seeing Triple H transubstantiate his jean jackets into ice cream bars than that happening. Logically, I don't know if Dallas/Zayn needs to be blown off so soon, and trust me, unless Zayn is heading to the main roster in a couple of days or so, his endgame needs to be adding that hardware to his trophy shelf. So I think their first match should probably end in Dallas retaining on shenanigans before he finally drops the title to Zayn in a steel cage. Maybe I just want to see a WWE steel cage match worth a damn, and Zayn is the perfect guy to pull it off.
This is number 48 in a series of Twitter Request Lines by TH and you can check them all out via This Link on their true home at The Wrestling Blog!
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